I enjoy Skruf. It’s absinthe and tobacco with a hint of an old-world urinal. If you can whisper a few words of German, like Kummerspeck, or gently sing The Horst Wessel Song a few inches from a lady’s nose, that adds an element of continental spice. Some women find it irresistible.
LOST
I lost my keys. Can I borrow yours?
SOME BEGINNER MISTAKES
1. Typical
2. Wrong
3. Wrong again
4. No no no no
5. Way off
A VEGAN
A vegan is much more afraid of you than you are of him.
PASTA
Pasta is like hot garbage.
DRINK
Drink at least eight glasses of water per day or 1/8 of a 50-gallon drum.
MY NEIGHBOR
My neighbor’s some kind of high-end hot tub salesman and he’s always talking about his customers as “clients.”
MILK
I often think of the man who first tried to milk a cat.
BABE
When I was in the hospital Babe Ruth visited me. I asked him to hit a home run for me. He didn’t hit the homer and got hit by a beanball. He ended up in the hospital bed next to me. He said he was sorry he didn’t hit the homer. And I said I was sorry too because I lost a $50 bet.
53rd AND 3rd
I think we need to start thinking about social engineering of some kind. Calm down. Not Nazi-type stuff but just common sense. We could set up a tribunal of judges and decide which guys should be standing at 53rd and 3rd. We could have this whole country looking great in no time.
ANTHEM
Sometimes when I’m driving my Zamboni I’ll put on my national anthem CD. It has no words, just the music. I made the CD for the day when I’d be asked to sing the anthem before a Stanley Cup game. It hasn’t happened yet, some sort of mixup I’m sure, but when it does I’ll be ready.
ANNA KARENINA
In Anna Karenina the man responsible for Anna’a death is Leo Tolstoy.
MONEY
When I tried to borrow money from my brother-in-law, he reminded me that he wasn’t born yesterday. Then I called some of my poker buddies and asked if they could help me out. They said weren’t born yesterday either. I guess nobody was.
WASCO
I remember walking home from school when a sinkhole opened up and down went Ray into the fiery pit that was Wasco just below the surface. His screams of pain could be heard for two days. I came to recognize a kind of fluidity to life that has stayed with me from those early days.
JIM NABORS
Jim Nabors and I once performed a duet while standing on a ladder (The Impossible Dream). I almost hesitate to share it with you because I just know it will get ripped off and then IT will become the new God Bless America and I won’t see a dime. Not that I’m in it for the money, but you know.
KELLY SLATER
I waited for Kelly Slater to offer me a cigar, but I guess surfers don’t smoke cigars anymore. (NOTE: I later discovered several boxes of very good cigars in his shortboard bag. What the hell?)
LIVE AND LEARN
Oh well, live and learn, that’s what I always say. (William Shakespeare, Page 5.)
THERE’S NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN
I guess there aren’t any new ideas under the sun. At least I can’t think of any right now. Ask me later.
