Kelly Erin had accumulated so many Dunkin' Donuts points that it drew the attention of the CFO.

"She cashes even a quarter of this in and we're bankrupt."

"How is that possible?" the CEO demanded to know.

"We never really recovered from the fiduciary disaster of expanding our menu in the 1990s. Overheads rose and for minimal gain. We're running at a deficit. It was a mistake also to expand into the Western United States.”

"Well, shore that up."

"I don't know if we can. The people will riot if we stop selling breakfast sandwiches."

"We're not a goddamn public utility. What's to be done about this Kelly Erin?"

"Well, she's a New England gal. What if she gets to meet a local celebrity, say Ben Affleck"

"I like this plan. Is he sober?"

"Supposedly, yes."

 

 

Kelly received a call from the CEO of Dunkin', saying she could redeem all her reward points at once in exchange for meeting Ben Affleck, who happened to be her longtime crush. Kelly readily accepted. They were to meet on the ferry to Cape Cod, where they would get ice cream and go for a bike ride. The CEO had said on the phone that it would be a friendly meeting, not a date.

"Oh we'll see," said Kelly.

On the ferry to Cape Cod Kelly ordered them two Aperol spritzes.

“I’m sorry. I’m in recovery.”

“Your problem is that you were with permissive or dismissive women. The Latin one was an example of the latter. And that WASP you were with. You need a good Irish Catholic woman to berate you forcefully. Then you can manage the drink.”

“Okay, Kelly Erin,” Ben Affleck said. He tried the spritz. He had been a bit withdrawn about their arrangement, not sullen of course—he was a professional after all—but not readily engaging. The spritz changed all that. He asked after Kelly Erin’s graduate work.

“So, uh, you would say your interests lie at the center of Lacan and American Environmental Literature. That is so fucking dope!”

“Thank you, Ben.”

Ben kept on the Aperol spritzes. He seemed suddenly afraid or anxious.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kelly asked. She’d had several as well. Ben wouldn’t answer Kelly Erin. “Oh you think you’re better than me? You little bitch!” she shouted.

“No, no it’s nothing like that. I was just having such a good time. I have this irrational fear I guess. I think anytime I’m having too good a time Matt Damon will materialize and kill me. And I’m just thinking, ‘I know he’s not on the boat.’ But could he come from the water?”

“What, like in scuba gear?”

“No, no like Poseidon. I think I got his stupid Odyssey film on my mind. Yeah, Scuba makes more sense. You know SCUBA is an acronym.”

“Beauty and brains!”

 

           

When they got to Cape Cod, Ben wanted pizza. They found a little pizzeria right on the water and tucked in. Ben was furious.

“This pizza is fucking trash!”

“Ben, honey, calm down.”

“You know you know, people come out here for the scenery, the ocean, the history, they think they can just serve us fucking trash. TRASH!”

Ben went behind the bar, “I’m helping myself to your booze. Gratis! Make amends for this trash pie.”

The owners called the cops and soon they could hear sirens advancing.

Ben Affleck shouted, “You’ll never take me alive, Matt Damon’s goons.” And he ran up and down the seashore while Kelly watched from their table.

Their waitress came up to her and said, “Who does he think he is.”

Kelly looked up at her with a smile which made clear all the hope and keenness of heart and possibilities in life and answered, “That’s my boyfriend, Ben Affleck. We’re getting married. Matt Damon is not invited.”

 

 

Dunkin’ Donuts has been sued a number of times for unfair labor practices by the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. News of Ben and Kelly’s wedding, to be held the first Saturday in September (over Labor Day weekend) reached their head litigator, Lilly Merrill, who upon first seeing the news exclaimed “Get it, girl.” It is not so that all women resent other women. However, Lilly had sworn to uphold fair labor practices and she was concerned that Ben was being forced into this marriage given how the pair had met, as a way for Dunkin’ Donuts to avoid financial disaster should Kelly ‘cash in’ her accrued Dunkin’ points. What had Ben Affleck been coerced into exactly, only their innocuous initial meeting, or was in fact this marriage also part of his remit? In less cordial terms, was he a whore. Was he a whore for Dunkin’ Donuts, a subsidiary of Inspire Brands. Lilly issued a subpoena.

“He’s not a whore. He’s the love of my life,” Kelly exclaimed. “Why must women hate other women.”

Lilly sat back from the interview table and lit a cigarette. She offered the pack to Kelly, who declined. “Listen, babe. I’m on the frontlines here at the EEOC, trying to do something about sexual harassment in the workplace. And it cuts both ways, alright, Queen?”

Kelly started crying, “What if, I mean, what if he is a whore for Dunkin’. He offered to do stuff. He offered!”

“Whores can offer. Whores can be clever,” Lilly answered.

“What’s the play?” Kelly asked. She was now determined to know the truth.

 

 

Kelly held a press conference. She said to the press, “I will hold no person against the will of their heart.” When she returned to her apartment Ben Affleck was oiling down the butcher block, exerting himself.

“Didn’t you see, you pretty fool? Didn’t you see my press conference?”

“Yeah, babe. I thought you were talking about Lacan.”

“Lacan?”

“Yeah, I thought you were having doubts about your dissertation. But I think employing Lacan as a lens into American Environmental Literature is bold. I think, yes, you’ll always face accusations of misusing him, of holding him hostage intellectually. But listen, babe, the anti-theory people, the so-called aesthetes ain’t got anything better to do.”

“Oh Ben, I’m so happy!”

Kelly Erin and Ben Affleck embraced. The wedding went ahead as scheduled. Matt Damon showed up. He drank excessively. A place was found for him at the table farthest from the bride and groom and he sulked away finally before the cake cutting.