#1: the Man Burger: Two patties, two slices bacon, two slices cheddar cheese. A burger that gives you a man card.
#2: The Ex-Wife Burger: One patty, pepper jack cheese, jalapeños, regret. For those who can handle some heat.
#3: The Kid Burger: Smaller sized patty, American cheese, ketchup, fear. A burger for the little ones. (Note: only available on weekends.)
#4: The Dad Burger: One patty, burnt, like your relationship. For those days you feel like you don’t deserve the good stuff.
#5: The Mom Burger: A Man Burger, cut in half. Because it’ll be gone too soon.
#6: The Grandpa Burger: Salisbury steak without a bun, eaten with fork and knife. For a customer untrusting of anyone’s ability to support them.
#7: The Grandma Burger: A burger topped with kugel. Better than you would expect, impossible to recreate.
#8: The Grandma’s Lost Love from the Old Country Burger: Delivered as an aromatic smell. Reminds you of a life you didn’t live.
#9: The Straight Uncle Burger: Two patties, fried onion, barbecue sauce. The burger you’d be if you weren’t you.
#10: The Gay Uncle Burger: Two patties, a grilled pineapple slice. Delightful at parties.
#11: The Fucking Bret Burger: Two patties, two slices of cheddar, two pieces of bacon, special sauce. Slightly better than the man burger for reasons you can’t identify.
#12: The Cousin Who Went Right Wing Burger: Two patties, cooked with an exploded firework. Tastes okay for a minute, then turns unpleasant.
#13: The New Girlfriend Burger: Turkey patty, white cheddar cheese, onions. You’ll like her once you get to know her, I swear.
#14: The Ex-Girlfriend Burger: Same as #13 except you were right, she wasn't a replacement for the Ex-Wife Burger.
#15: The Trying to be a Better Man Burger: Veggie patty, LTO, cheddar cheese, bacon. Look, I’m doing it! (Available only on Saturdays when the game is not on.)
#16: The I Did It All For You Burger: Two patties, one slice bacon, cheddar cheese, long hours, lots of love shared poorly, poor advice given poorly, a roof over your head, and the best I could do even if I wish it was more. Tastes good, but you’ll wish it could be better, and it might be, but by then, it’ll be too late.
