I was twenty-four. The wiping. I realized I am someone old enough to have ass problems, and I can barely afford my rent. I got a job, got married, got you. I am thirty-five now and still leave blood on the paper; it hurts good when you get that one spot and then you keep getting that spot even though that only deepens the problem and you have to just find somewhere to sit and feel the sting for a while.

Here’s some advice. Use Tuck’s pads.

In light of the events tonight, I want to tell you another good thing to remember: When someone accuses you of doing something wrong—morally, logically, emotionally (I should point out the rules are different if it’s a legal situation)—always assume you did do something wrong. You can weigh the truth later, see if the punishment fit the crime (or whether there was a crime), and then decide if it is worth explaining yourself. Try to avoid explaining yourself. We become excessive in gesture when we hear something we say and believe too much in the way we said it, and no one likes to watch people pound their fist on a table, whether they agree or not. I am not talking about us as humans, I am talking about you and me specifically, assuming you will be like all sons and take on the ticks you least want to take on in your father.

Another thing: the older you get, to keep healthy, you will have to eat much less and you will still put on 30lbs, and you will accuse your wife of looking at you differently though you will have no idea how she looks at you, and you may even be trying to divert from the fact that you look at her differently. Your mother and I were both a little too hungry tonight to treat each other well, and I shouldn’t eat red sauce past seven thirty. Forgive me for explaining myself, but your mother and I love each other very much. Sometimes we yell. Before you were born, we threw things, so what you’re seeing is an improvement. It must seem odd to you, people who love each other arguing about whether they love each other. But I am here to let you know that the things people argue about are rarely what people are arguing about. Most of the time, it has to do with the way their ass crack feels at the moment.

I think parents don’t usually tell us these more important things because they’re too busy telling us those good things to remember about personal choices and conducting yourself in relationships, but as your father, I think it’s more important to warn you about what your body is going to do despite the choices and the conduct. So drink water.