I know why you have two fake accounts called [      ] and [      ]. It wasn’t just because you had an obsession with legos. It was to follow an ex and her boyfriend. Self-torture. That’s all any of this is. This here is torturous too. I messaged you on [encrypted app] tonight though I think the app has been deleted from your phone and so it wouldn’t have mattered because the messages would never really get to you.

 

I went back and deleted the message. I couldn’t stand the one checkmark.

 

If we were still talking I’d say, “Babe! I went to the smoke shop to buy a grinder and the guy behind the counter gave me a free pre-roll.” There are so many good things in life. Why do we dwell on the bad?

 

I wonder what you are doing right now. Likely not having a hibiscus margarita.

 

I see you, Anonymous Antelope.

 

I want to send you Calamities by Renee Gladman but I am done sending you books until you consent. Remember when I’d say that - consent? Anyways you would like this book. Gladman writes, “we used our body to write.” If you’re reading this, can you feel my body through the text?

 

If we were still together I wouldn’t be writing this. I am using this breakup, this thing of my invention, to create something to figure something out about myself. We were a thing that started then ended. If we started and kept going, my writing of this us would have started and never finished. Maybe I will title this piece Our Us.

 

Actually I don’t like that title. Too simple.

 

I do have a theory, though. The theory is: your wife will not allow you to talk to me until August 15 or September 1. Something like that. You’re sticking to it this time. And that’s why you’ve got the burner insta.

 

I can’t remember - did I ever say, mommy loves you?

 

One of my favorite stories to tell when I’m sad is how you called me mommy when you went down on me. His head was sweaty, I’d say. And he smiled when he said it. Then he kept going. Did he say anything else? No. I don’t think so. What I don’t say but I do remember is this look for approval in your eyes.

 

F says she is setting a boundary. She does not want to know anything about Person [   ] - only Fiction [    ].

 

Life is long and also short and I think you are playing the long game. Which is to say you are waiting me out and by the time you are ready I will be engaged and then after more long game time when I am divorced again and already have two kids we will come back together. It is part of that 20 year prophecy I had that night at Square Five.

 

Last year in a poetry workshop K brought in a poem that read, “I am a joyful thing.” And ever since I’ve thought about that. I want to be a joyful thing. I am getting there.

 

I would probably pick up smoking if I hadn’t had 27 years of second-hand-smoke-in-the-house exposure. I wonder how less stressed I would be. I have a fear of losing my teeth. My mom paid a lot of money for them to look nice and I really so don’t want to be an adult who’s missing any.

 

I need to figure out the purpose of this document.

 

Masturbation feels like a conjuring. 

 

I bought a $200 vibrator. I’ve never had one so I figured if I’m going to do it I need to go all out. Really treat myself. You know there are vibrators you can keep in your underwear and someone else can control from anywhere in the world? There is so much in life to try and do and I am still learning.

 

The vibrator works well. It seems only right that I should name her Bernadette.

 

On my walk home tonight I made you a recording but once I got in the shower I decided to delete it. It was too long and full of “I don’t know”s and I’ve vowed to stop “I don’t know”ing. Obviously I can’t actually do that but I can try.

 

Earlier I said masturbation was a conjuring. I tried to conjure you last night. It did not work.

 

Anyways, this is very Chris Kraus X I Love Dickian. Maybe I will keep adding things here. I don’t know.