I keep doing the I Hate Women joke for The Men
It goes: A male friend says something sexist
Then I go: Oh did you say that because you hate women
Pause
But don’t worry I’m not offended I also
Hate women
I keep having dreams where I have a penis
Someone has drawn little hearts on its head with a pen
I try to rub them off
Then notice two men standing nearby
I am scared they have seen my penis
I am scared at hockey practice
I need to be fitted for a cup
I see an old man and think he is going to rape me
My current cup already has a plastic penis in it
Which is a problem
Because I have my own penis
Jack tells me the dream must be about penis envy
I look this up and apparently it’s when female
Children realize they don’t have a penis
A friend tells me about her two brothers
Who keep doing this bit where one of them puts his hand
On his chin and makes a thinking face
And the other one says bro you’re not even the thinker
And he responds bro you don’t get it
I am the thinker
At an event for my old corporate job
I tell everyone I’m a professor at NYU
A woman comes up to me and my old boss and my old boss is like
Didn’t you just have a baby
A man who makes millions a year
Says his friend just left to work at NYU as The Head of Strategy
I am Very Strategic as well
I love to show up to the Bryant Park Grill
And feel so proximal to power
In video games when you kill someone
You can tea bag their dead body
Alex explains it’s when your avatar
Crouches up and down on the dead avatar
Dipping your balls like a tea bag
I call Noah before bed and he says you better sleep before you get
Too slaphappy
Which I thought meant so happy I could
Slap you but actually means
Dazed or stupefied by a series of blows to the head thereby
Sustaining permanent cognitive injury
Eli says John Wick bothered him because of the easy
Killing pure masculine fantasy
I say totally
It was totally disturbing
Like a video game
Though really I love John Wick and don’t have anything critical to say
I told Noah and Jack I thought the female protagonist
In The Worst Person in the World
Was a man
Who treated her two male lovers
As women
That’s why men identify with her character
Also it bothered me that she has a miscarriage
The male writer-director couldn’t let her make a single choice
I say I wish she had an abortion
A man sitting with his son a bit further down the train is looking at me
I get the sense he has also seen The Worst Person in the World
I tell Noah I don’t like the movie because she has no friends
He says I don’t think it is about friends
I say it doesn’t have to be “about friends”
It’s just highly unrealistic she wouldn’t have any
Jack tells me I’m just like Lindsay
In Freaks and Geeks on the outs with the toxic boys
Then on the in and loving it
Then remembering the outs
Eli says he forgot how good Ocean’s 13 was
He’s only watching Al Pacino movies in April
I tell him never to watch Ocean’s 9
Remakes with women are never funny
He says they should remake Goodfellas with women
Call it Goodwomen
