The first time I wore my HAD Skull Cap it was nearly twenty below zero. Outside the wind sounded like an orchestra full of hipsters whistling across empty PBR bottles. When I stepped on my porch the frigid air caught me by surprise, but then I was surprised by the warmth of the HAD Skull Cap. Maybe it has something to do with the 60% cotton to 40% acrylic blend or maybe it’s the raw heat of so many gnarly skulls. Either way this hat is toasty as Hell.

Warmth: ☠️ ☠️☠️ ☠️☠️

While I was wearing my HAD Skull Cap at the brewpub several people nodded to me. I’m not sure if they got the HAD reference or just thought my hat was badass. Either way doesn’t matter. In fact, maybe it’s better. Enigmatic. A HAD Skull Cap is like a Bartheleme story; the ambiguity is part of the appeal.

Radness: ☠️ ☠️☠️ ☠️

I wore my HAD Skull Cap to my writing group at the library. I was feeling cool as a MF until Wyatt walked in. The bastard was wearing a HAD Skull Cap too. I could’ve died of humiliation. Then the instructor made a joke about us texting each other and planning matching outfits. Which didn’t even make sense because I was wearing a black hoodie while Wyatt was wearing a goddamn sweater vest. Gloria chimed in and said everyone in the group should buy a hat like ours. Her day job is in HR and she started talking about team building and how the hats could help us form a group identity. Everyone was nodding, pulling out their phones and ordering HAD Skull Caps. They begin making plans to wear them at the next meeting. There was talk of posting a picture on Facebook. Wyatt started filling the group in on HAD and their skulls and limited submission caps. Gloria got excited and said she wanted to get a skull someday, except she didn’t call it a skull, she called it a “noggin.” Meanwhile I was seething. I mouthed to Wyatt, “What the fuck?” But he just smiled and offered me a thumbs up. After everyone ordered a hat, the group decided to critique my poem first and they brutalized my sonnet. Just ripped it to shreds. So much for being a team.

Uniqueness: ☠️ ☠️

When my five-year-old daughter saw my HAD Skull Cap she asked why there was a tiara on my hat. It’s not a tiara, I explained. It’s a pile of skulls and a skull is like a big bone in your head. My daughter rolled her eyes and told me that a skull consists of 22 bones and that while the intention of the iron-on may be to resemble a pile of skulls, from a distance it looks like someone embroidered a tiara on my hat. I glanced in the mirror and nearly fainted; she was right. It did look like a tiara. As I collapsed at the kitchen table, my daughter poured me a glass of water. In the movie Frozen, she explained, Elsa wears a tiara on Coronation Day. Then in an act of defiance against her royal obligations she rips it off. Does that mean the hat is still cool? I asked my daughter. Yeah, Dad, she said, patting my hand. The hat is still cool.

Something Elsa Would Wear: ☠️ ☠️☠️ ☠️☠️