Step 1:

Begin with zero intention to tend to another living being. Confirm this by locating a houseplant with inward curling leaves that was supposed to be low maintenance but you kept forgetting to water.

 

Step 2:

Take a vacation somewhere by the beach. Choose a location that doesn’t pique interest, and/or a location that carries subtle emotional baggage from your childhood. The key is to hold a tiny void; one too small to be filled by a relationship but too big for deep fried Oreos.

 

Step 3:

Walk on a long stretch of wooden planks for approximately 1.65 miles in flip flops to enhance sensations of disinterest and resentment. It is best to do this sometime between 12-3:00pm when the sun is at its peak.

 

Step 4:

Locate a head shop with images that allude to selling pot even though they will just burn incense and sell body piercings circa 2001. Ideally this shop will have a large tie-dyed Bob Marley tapestry hanging over the back center wall next to shorts that read this ass isn’t going to slap itself.

 

Step 5:

Ruminate about who would purchase these shorts and why they exist. Begin to imagine the human who would purchase these shorts for themselves. Next, imagine the human who would purchase these shorts for their partner.

 

Step 6:

Hold a seething rage that begins to bubble. Add in physical discomfort from flip flops, emotional baggage from your childhood, and the tiny void.

 

Step 7:

Notice the only creature in your field of vision that doesn’t absolutely disgust you or fuel your growing resentment for the living world.

 

Step 8:

Form an allegiance with the creature you’ve noticed and conspire to save them from this wretched place. Make eye contact to forge the bond, and process a transaction of $13.75 while internally processing that will be a rescue, not a purchase supporting this shop with the shorts.

 

Step 9:

Return to your apartment with your ally, and place in close proximity to a houseplant with inward curling leaves. Quickly scratch a post it note with the word FEED and place between both.

 

Step 10:

Wait 12 years and repeat.