In the bin, search for a watermelon with a pronounced creamy yellow patch. This is called a field spot and is formed while a watermelon lies atop the soil. The larger the field spot, the sweeter the melon. That man is not staring at you. He simply glanced in your direction. Just act natural and he won’t be able to tell your stoned. No, even though he’s wearing cargo shorts and New Balance sneakers he’s not an undercover cop.

Dig through the bin. Lift the watermelons and feel their weight. A watermelon should seem heavier than it looks. Which is not profound. It’s not a metaphor for your life. There is no deeper meaning. This not something you have to reflect on. It’s certainly not a sign you should quit your job in finance and live out the rest of your life as a shaman. This doesn’t even need to involve the future purchase of a patchouli oil. It just means the watermelon will have more water content and therefore be sweeter.

Try to find a watermelon with dull skin. Which is not remotely funny. Stop giggling. Get a hold of yourself. You’re attracting attention. Just stop. A shiny watermelon melon is not ripe yet, a dull one will be sweeter.

People cannot hear your thoughts. Run your hands over the watermelons. Find a watermelon that is smooth to the touch. You want to avoid any melons with irregular bumps. Alright, you can stop touching the watermelons. No, I didn’t say it looked like you were fondling the watermelons. I’m not saying you’re a pervert and I don’t think anyone else in the produce section thinks you're a pervert. Mrs. Alderton? Your sixth grade teacher? No, I don’t think she thought you were a pervert either. Just stop rubbing the melons.

Find a watermelon with a uniform shape. Round or oval is fine. You are not dead. People are not keeping your death from you. You haven’t been standing in the produce section for weeks.

It looks like you found a good one. Nice. Now tap the watermelon’s underbelly and listen. You want a melon with a deep sound. Just the one tap. Stop trying to tap rhymically. That's not even a steady beat. You are not a drummer. This is not 1997 and you are not in a drum circle outside of that one Phish show your cousin dragged you to. Stop drumming. People are watching you now. You are attracting a crowd. Listen to me, stop drumming.

Alright time to run! That cop in the New Balance sneakers is coming!