I am a small-town sheriff. I am played by the actor Tommy Lee Jones. I love being a sheriff. I love knowing that when I walk into the diner across the street the waitresses all know me by name and have for the last 30 years. I also love my wife; that’s been established in an earlier scene where she cooks me breakfast and I smile politely at her over the top of a newspaper. But what I would love most in the world right now is if someone on my dang team could just tell me what in the hell is going on here.

I manage the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit. I am played by the actor Tommy Lee Jones. I love instructing my team of specialized agents in new ways of profiling serial killer behavior through charts and graphs displayed on an overhead projector. I love my quiet home life, where I have surprisingly tender moments petting my cat and opening tins of tuna fish for her to eat that I place directly on the linoleum kitchen floor. I also love my wife but she passed away from a chronic illness a few years ago. It doesn’t matter which one. You can tell I still love her by the way I stare longingly at her photo by the door every time I leave to visit a new, horrific crime scene, like the one I am headed to right now. But what I would love most in the world right now is if someone on my team could just tell me what in the hell is going on.

I am an alien cop. I am played by the actor Tommy Lee Jones. I manage a team of special alien cops. I love hobnobbing with all types of little alien freaks because it allows my relatable, Southern disposition to come through even though this movie takes place in New York City. I probably love my wife but she’s not in the script. She’s probably an alien, and fuck it, she’s probably dead, too. I also love driving my modified alien car to messy alien crime scenes where some gross slime bug or whatever ate, let’s say, a school bus. But what I would love most in the entire galaxy right now is if someone on my team could just tell me what in the world is going on. I mean, were there still kids in that thing? Can you do that in PG-13?

I am a Senior Deputy U.S. Marshal. I am played by the actor Tommy Lee Jones. I manage a team of Deputy U.S. Marshals. I love wearing a giant chicken suit while on undercover stakeouts on the south side of Chicago. I also probably love a cat and a wife, but the cat is most likely an alien, and dead. The wife is now a cat that looks at me from over a newspaper and smiles while I open cans of tuna for her breakfast that I set directly on the linoleum floor. That’s how you can tell the cat-wife loves me too. It doesn’t matter, none of that is in the script. What is in the script is another thing that I love, which is pointing my gun at the falsely accused man while the real fugitive is behind me pointing a gun at my head. I have been fooled. My team is nowhere in sight. Normally the thing that I would love most in this world is for someone on my dang team to tell me just what in the hell is going on. They cannot do this. They do not know what is going on. They are not here. I close my eyes. It will all work out. The real fugitive cannot kill me. I am the actor Tommy Lee Jones.