I’m good at practiced vulnerability. Sharing
funny moments like when I was starving

myself & my dad said: What’s the big deal? Just eat more cheese.
Or when I straddled my high school girlfriend’s waist

to get the best angle to slap her over & over
in the face & her dad came home, turned his back,

& said: NOT COOL GUYS, NOT COOL.
But unpracticed vulnerability? How do I explain the shame

of blank brain when my girlfriend kisses me
& asks how I want to be touched? I crater & drain

to fill with men’s sexual desires
& then stay disappeared. How do I explain the welts

on my stomach after hunching over in the mirror
& grabbing my flesh until it burns?

There’s no humor in “forgetting” the unpleasant
to pretend it doesn’t haunt. When I want salt

& vinegar chips, I buy snacksize. Otherwise, I will consume
a bigger bag until my mouth bleeds. I slip

on my “smoking outfit” before I inhale
my single daily vice behind the dumpsters;

why make more laundry than there needs to be?
If I didn’t exercise for an hour each day & stretch

before bed, I would never. I have no acquaintance
with intermittency. Friends commend my discipline

& sobriety; I feel both sanctimonious & jealous.
You who can live without bumpers, how do you stay

in your lane? Without regiments & requirements,
I’m a bowling ball dribbled, bouncing destructive.

I can’t be out of my fucking mind,
because I’m so far up the ass of my mind.

Is it more fun on the other side of the guardrails?
The sunset looks the same, but I can never be sure.

*Title is a Tweet by @chunkbardey