THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE: ☆☆1/2

Painting with a by-numbers brush, a lonely monorail operator papier-mâchés newsprint into a nest on her route’s unused Chinatown spur. Progress is gradual and frequently derailed by weather. My understanding of the dialogue (delivered in Italian and then subtitled by a Belarusian website that also sells pre-assembled aluminum buildings) is spotty. On rare occasions, a giant bird appears. You always cry when the monorail operator says, “Do not lie to me! My soul is not a crawlspace! My soul is the monorail invisible against white sunrise!"

KRAMER VS. KRAMER: ☆☆☆1/2

The power of eye contact on display. On opposite sides of America, a pair of Kramers—Dr. Kent the New Haven ophthalmologist, and Elaine the Olympia fishermen’s wife—train for their Christmas Day meeting at the National Staring Contest Finals. We both, of course, root for Elaine. But we also feel for Dr. Kent, alone in his chilly condo, pitied by his young assistants, barely tolerated by his academic patients, and still elated every time he trots out that awful Sinatra impression. I like the night scenes in Olympia. I like seeing Elaine train with her husband Davey. Sweet Davey! Bone-tired after another day on the boat, he holds a lit candle and tells his wife, “Watch until the flame is gone, and by the way I love you.” You balk at the voiceover staining the final staredown. “Why do they do that, always?” you want to know. “That dumb echoey thought thing. Is the inside of the character’s mind supposed to be big and empty? Because I’m fairy sure the inside of a skull is cramped, with little wasted space.” And we agree: it’s best left ambiguous whether Dr. Kent’s death (Atlantic City, hot tub) really was accidental. I can never remember who wins.

USED CARS: ☆1/2

When sales are slow, a man in coattails coaxes a timpani to thunder in front of an inflatable tube man who’s blue as Babe the Ox. Rest of the flick blows. Urban renewal turned the place we saw this is into a vacant lot overrun with milkweed. Kids go there to pick caterpillars off leaves, stuff them in jars with grass and an angled stick or two, hope they live long enough to become monarchs.

THE GREEN INFERNO: ☆☆☆☆☆

Fiendishly stoned Peter Falk stands mystified before a street vendor LED sign flashing HALAL HALAL HALAL RICE RICE HALAL CHICKEN CHICKEN HALAL RICE CHICKEN RICE RICE HALAL for one entire Happy Mondays song. I got up for the bathroom and you swear the following exchange happened while I was gone:

MOVIEGOER 1: “I directed this movie.”
MOVIEGOER 2: “Sorry?”
MOVIEGOER 1: “Peter Falk didn’t know weed was real before we showed it to him. He thought it was just an urban legend like Bigfoot.”
MOVIEGOER 2: “Please stop talking to me.”
MOVIEGOER 1: “He thought weed was fake like Bigfoot or Marilyn Manson removing his lowest ribs so he could suck his own dick. Peter Falk actually used the Marilyn Manson no ribs dick suck example verbatim.”

This is a perfect movie.