After Nicole Tallman

I had so many ideas for what I could have made this poem about. How I’ve never been to Miami. Darren Criss and Penelope Cruz. My Florida relatives. Something about the seasons in Virginia. Something about the James River or the Potomac River or the Anacostia River. How I wish I could be stylish but don’t have the body for it. This poem could have been a cento. Or a haiku. Or a poem for my favorite female indie singer (undecided at the time of writing). Or a poem where I also talk to “Too Dark.” Or a poem where I “Say Gay” (I guess this counts). Or a poem full of “I Love” statements.

But I couldn’t do any of that today, not after the news I got.

An online friend of over ten years tried to commit suicide by cop yesterday. I knew he had issues for years; everyone on our community knew. They had offered him resources, messaged his parents, messaged local police, but he was only getting worse over time. I had been drifting away from the community in the months leading up to it, and our friendship effectively ended after he told me some statements too nihilistic to repeat. After the news dropped, I unblocked him on Discord to see he said he was going to attack a cop hours before he did. We didn’t think he would seriously do it, but we’re glad he failed, even though he had hurt so many of us before then. Even now, as he faces several felony charges, I’m glad he’s alive.

I say I was this guy’s friend, but I don’t know if I ever was enough of one to him. Maybe somewhere in the thirteen years of roleplaying together we were. I can’t do much for him now, so I guess I’m left to think about how best to end this piece and tie it back to FERSACE somehow.

It will come to me,
and when it does, I will say
“I love, I love, I…”