Isaac Newton: Hot or not?

 

7-ELEVEN

 

Saturday night I was walking to my local 7-Eleven, and, well, you can fill in the rest.

 

THE COPY EDITOR DISTRICT

 

I headed downtown to the Copy Editor District. On my way there I was delayed for an hour when a young guy started punching an older man for using the Oxford Comma (“aka the Serial Comma” sneered the young tough). I busted things up but got dinged in the head by a loose paragraph.

 

THE CIRCLE CLUB

 

I was starting to get hungry. I asked a bird who was getting its head lopped off by a wind turbine where a guy could get something to eat around here. It pointed toward a food truck and then went back to being destroyed.

 

THE POET

 

“Writing poetry is my business, doctor,” I said, swaggering a little, giving a small wave to the nurse, and winking at the guards in the insane asylum.

 

QUESTION

 

“Is the elevator broken?” he asked, when he saw King Kong scaling the side of the Empire State Building and looking in the window.

 

BLUE VELVET

 

“Organic ketchup? Fuck that shit! Heinz 57!”

 

POLICE STORY

 

The police officer who pulled me over was not impressed when I told him that I was married to the government’s daughter.

 

FAMILY GATHERING

 

MAN: (QUIETLY, TEARFUL) Friends and family ... I’m afraid I’ll never be able to walk again.

HECKLER: Louder!

MAN: (LOUDER, ALMOST HYSTERICAL) I’m going to be stuck in this wheelchair forever!

ANOTHER HECKLER: Funnier!

 

AS YOU KNOW

 

As you know, I’m also a writer, mainly emails to former girlfriends and airlines.

 

STRANGE

 

How strange that we have explored the moon and the other planets and yet we know so little about Tubi.

 

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME

 

I asked him what his plans were for me after dinner. I hoped he wasn’t planning on giving me a three-hour head start and then hunting me for sport.

“No,” he said. “But I have seen that movie.”

“Not that I’d object too much,” I said, “as long as you hunted me responsibly.”

 

LAST NIGHT

 

Last night’s reading went pretty well. Once the paramedics had wheeled the body away, I quickly went back to being the main attraction.

 

GILLIGAN’S ISLAND

 

The Skipper did most of the talking during dinner, recounting various exciting episodes in his career, telling how he’d tricked the cannibals or got Ginger on that one (“I’m going to make you Mrs. Gilligan someday”). He paused at one point. “Is this leg of Lassie wild or farmed?”