The Reward: Salmonella

The other day I stopped my car in the middle of the road to save a turtle.

A van driving behind me started honking the moment I put my hazard lights on.

I got out, picked up the turtle.

When I looked at the driver he raised his arms at me and, in turn, I raised the turtle.

This was meant to be a fuck you and I hope the guy in the van knew that this turtle was actually a giant foam middle finger.

The guy in the van then rolled down his window.

He yelled at me and swerved quickly past me and the turtle and my car.

Then the turtle pissed on me and I felt nothing.

I placed the turtle at the edge of a retention pond.

And the turtle turned around, ran back towards the road.

Mmm....

Yes, yes, yes.

Impeccable.

We are one and the same, my red eared brother.

 

Bullshieeet

Met an angel once and they told me that fentanyl laced heroin was some bullshit.

I was in Miami.

The angel asked me if I had any “Good shieeet,” and I said “No.”

I said, “I'm a good boy. I don’t do drugs.”

“Well God blessed you, son.”

Then the angel tipped his cowboy hat and slowly tiptoed backwards into the bathroom stall he had just previously erupted from.