THE BIG BANG

Sartre & Simone de Beauvoir were always fighting: “Keep your being away from my nothingness,” that sort of thing. Then they began arguing about who was a philosopher-king and who was a big slob, and the fights kept escalating until they resulted in what’s known today as the Big Bang.

 

MY DREAM

You were in my dream. We were sitting on a couch. It was really long and could seat about 5,000 people. You were in the distance.

 

NO PEPPER

When I saw the small discrete sign that said “No Pepper” I knew I was in a traditional gentlemen’s club.

 

WAITING FOR SUPERMAN

I don’t understand why Superman doesn’t fly around in a suit and tie.

 

THE SWIMMER

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps shaves his legs to lose the drag body hair causes. I asked if he felt more like a woman without the hair. He didn’t answer so I said: “Does shaving your legs make you feel sexy, more feminine?” He laughed but didn’t understand what I was getting at.

 

 

THE FBI

The FBI agents beat me for a little while longer, then tried out various truth serums on me.

“Which truth serum tastes better? Cherry or grape?” asked one.

“It’s hard to say,” I said. “They're both so awful. Cherry, I guess.”

“He’s lying, Director.”

 

 

ENOUGH

I suddenly realized that I wasn’t just an ordinary person who had caught a lucky break—I was a very special person who was finally getting my due. If enough people say you’re great, you must be great. Enough people can’t be wrong.